Twilight Dawn

Is dawn meant to be? Is it just... one of our own foolish dreams? Are we falling into a trap, as we watch its beauty? Its splendor?
If there was no dawn, there would be no dusk. If dawn is happy, is dusk sad? Which is happy? Which is sad?
Which begins it all, and which ends it all?

Twilight dawn

Pilot 1: Wanted


_"Oh, happy day! We are wanted now!" Torie exclaimed. "This is just great!" Sarcastically of course.
_"Put a lid on it Sis, we need to wait until the night guard is out." I said, it had been an odd day, we were walking around for what? Three hours, and it takes that long for use to notice the poster broad as day with our names, and faces on it. Im Oushi Shigo, it means 'deep truth after death' in japanese. Im a thief, leading the Twilight dawn, or, as I like to call it, a way to be famous and get free crap. But, this is exactly what happens when your group gets overestimated. They actually believe that there are more than two of us!
_"I know! But it [censored]es me off! Why are we wanted here!?" That... is my loudmouth Sis, Torie Shigo, like me it translates in japanese. 'Redeeming quality after death' odd, right? She can be really annoying sometimes, and never understands things until I explain it about three times to her. But, she is the only one I can trust, so she is the only one I have with me.
_"They obviously believe that there are more of us, and that we are a big enough group to be a threat." Once again, as she panics, even my calm explanation might not suffice. Its almost night, the second the night guard comes out we can escape. In the middle of their switch.
_"Why do they think that!?" Obviously Sis dearie, you went waltzing around shouting our name to the sky, and getting free stuf from people who were intimidated, you even stood up to the guards. Of course I wouldnt say that, even if it were the truth, have to keep up appearances.
_"Likely because of the way the townsfolf reacted, they made us look bigger, I bet they might even think some townfolk are in on it..." Good enough.
_"What!? Wait? Does that mean that some towns people might get injured for being accused of being in our group?" Wow, what a great way for an escape plan to go down the drain.
_"Yes, as always..."
_"Then we have to stay and help them!!!"
_"There is no guarantee it will happen, plus tonight may be our only chance to escape."
_"Come on Bro!" crap, once again, we get dragged into a towns troubles. "Bro!?"
_"Fine fine! But we do need to find a place to stay, and a way to escape if anything goes wrong..." Nightfall, normally this would be when we escape. Why does my Sis always do this?
_"Ok, ill"
_"Not now ediot, ill go, the guards are out twenty four, seven here. The come out in shifts so we need to stay inside, or hidden at all times."
_"Why?"
_"We are wanted remember?"
_"Oh, right..." Well... at least she never complains of boredom.
_"Ill go, I can use the rooftops to get by, ok?"
_"Ok, good luck Bro!" Good luck? I have half the mind to abandon you here, but I don't do that to family, principles. Principles.

_Ah, the rooftop, a safe haven for thieves, a calming relaxing place where the moonlight shines right through you. You can jump roof to roof, and no one notices, no one ever looks up. Its a very well known fact that people rarely look up, but even with knowledge no one has seen me once yet. I guess the first thing to do would be... find the one making the posters. If we are going to stay here we need a clean sheet.
_The best way would obviously be to destroy the posters left first. Lets see... one! I jump down to the town square snatching one up. Two! Around teh corner from the bar, where some drunken person might just stumble across it. Three! Right at the gates to the village, so the news will work its way around the villages.
_OK, first things done, now to find the 'artist' responcible. First to the boards, lets see, two artists here. Both look like they could be responcible. Well, two deaths is nothing on my back, just as long as Torie never knows. First one, some old man, might as well get the easy one out first, oh who am I kidding, they will both be easy. Just position myself on a rooftop, take out my bow, tighten the strings. grab an arrow, notch it, aim. and release! His blood, spilling slowly from his neck. An easy job as always.
_And the next one, not as much information, a traveler. More than likely an ameteur with a good set of paints. And has conveniently gotten a room in the hotel across from the bar. Easy, a young drunk most likely, even the handwriting suggests it. Just position, pull out my bow, tighten the strings, notch an arrow. And release. Thats how its supposed to go, but it is harder when the guy spots you, and in perfect reaction has his own weapon ready. A katana, he knows how to use it and, he does not look like the idea I had of him.
_"Are you going to shoot?"
_"No need to waste an arrow on a ready opponent!" He even talks to me, how confident.
_"I see, so your killing the person who made your wanted poster?"
_Ok, this is the one who made it, my sisters going to be mad at me, I killed that old man with no reason. But, she should never know. "Its easier to move around a town without being wanted!"
_"Why not just leave?!"
_"Tell that to my sister!" He chuckled, two people, one lowers his guard for a split second and the other will strike, and he chuckles. I like this guy.
_"I see, draw?"
_"Good enough" At the exact same moment we put away our weapons.
_"Are you going to just stare? Come in!" This is definatly going to be an interesting night.

Pilot 2: Principles


_I guessed that it was an offer, innocent enough. Just go inside, with the person you would like to kill, and likely wants to kill you back, maybe have some tea, a nice conversation... you have got to be kidding me. Although I have to admit, I like this guys style, the closer you are to your enemies the easier it is to beat them. But he must know plenty about me to make those posters, especially to know what my name translated into. He seems unconcerned, he is turning away but... he always has one eye on me, no matter what he does.
_"What kind of tea's do you like? Chamomile? Green tea?"
_"Green tea please..." His movements, I can tell, he is thinking as much as I am, the very slightest mistake in what we say, no how we say something will show a weakness. A battle with words, whoever is intimidated first wins, this is so~ interesting.
_"Coming right up, Oushi!" My name! I havent been calld that since we entered the village, just bro and D'tat, my nickname. He is grinning, I lost round one.
_"Thank you, do you have any snacks?" A slight move, going in and pushing someones hospitality, but if he denies me anything I win round two. Oh joy.
_"Well.. I have crackers..."
_"What kind?"
_"The round ones..."
_"I like the square ones." Sounding like a spoiled brat, comes easy to me, I was one most of my life.
_He glared at me, I was getting to him. "I don't have those..."
_"Can you check again?"
_"I don't need to, I get the round ones." He said sternly, I jus grinend at him, he chuckled again. "I see, you can live with round..." He set the stuff down on the table.
_"I guess..." I grabbed one, crunching loudly, he simply sat. He poisoned my tea, that much is obvious. He poured the crackers out where I could see them to inspire my trust in him, then poured the tea and stirred it behind the counter. "Now that I think of it, im not so thirsty..."
_"Well, niether am I... so, Oushi, wha--"
_"I think it would be polite to state your own name, since you know mine."
_"Yes... I am Destino, Destino Devastazione." His name... italian, 'destiny of destruction' I really do think I like this guy.
_"Nice name, destiny of destruction..."
_"You seem to be knowledgable."
_"As are you, so, what business did you have putting the posters up?"
_"Why whatever do you mean? The guards had me do it of course."
_"bullcrap, we walked past numerous guards, ont he same day it was put up, they would have know while they were made so we would have been caught yesterday." Bingo, the truth is always a great weapon.
_"I wanted to see what all this 'Twilight Dawn' commotion is about, plus I heard you were a worthy opponent."
_"Am I?"
_"Very."
_"Glad you agree, now, do you have any other business or should I leave?"
_"Nope, I hope to see you again." Liar, he knows I know he is lying, but he also knows that if I point it out, he would easily deny it. This clever little bastard.
_"Ok, farewell." Simply walk out the window, step out onto the rooftop, and into the cover of the moon. Now if only I wasnt being hunted by a clever new rival out here.

Pilot 3: Equal
If your shadow could talk, would it be the same as you? Would it be the opposite?
Is there such a thing as opposite? Have you ever thought, that you are the shadow?
That, in the shadows view, you are the shadow?

_And onto the roof I go, hopping across. It is obvious that if I go home, Torie will be in danger, but I can avoid it only for so long without my follower getting curious. I wonder, dodge down, into an alley, into a sewer. In here, I could easily detect if he follows me, my footsteps echo, across the room. I stop, for just a second, and resume, a quick few taps. He is following.
_I guess I must teach a curious man a lesson, a pile of boxes. I push one in, and hide behind the rest. His footsteps echo still, he believes I went in. Just pass by me, allow yourself into my trap. and I draw my bow, tighten the strings pull an arrow, notch and... release. His instincts are amazing, the arrows whistling throught the air, only to be followed by a snap, and a few cracks. Not the usual splatter.
_"Hmm? Very close..." Destino, his sword partially drawn, at his waist. The arrow, half still hanging on the sword, the other floating quickly down the sewer. "I almost fell for it, but a body hitting the water and a box are two entirely different sounds."
_"Odd, that you would know either of these."
_"It is odd, what you learn in travels." My second arrow, already ready, but if I fire, he can block it and charge, I need to be ready. Just, release, the whistling through the air, as usual. Then the dissatisfying crack, as he blocks, and as predicted charges, swinging his sword down upon me. But it meets with my dagger.
_"Wow, your fast..." I might at well talk a bit, he puls his sword, swinging it this time at my side, once again caught in my dagger.
_"As are you, where did you learn?" this time I move, skidding across his sword untir I hit the hilt, the handguard.
_"Many places, my dagger skill is just backup, my archery is where I usually get the job done." He tries to sidestep, his sword hits my shoulder guard, it hurt, but nothing bad. "Where did you learn?"
_"Same as you, many places." I decided to get him back, I jump in first, I feint to the left, duck and slice upwards. It hits his right shoulder, the satisfying splatter as blood stains my weapons. "Hmm?" He steps back.
_"Hey!" My sister... Torie, normally I would be [censored]ed at her for following me, but she did a decent job this time, the crossbow to the back of his neck. "What are you doing?"
_"Meet the artist for our 'wanted' poster, it was a fake..." I might as well lower my arms, I grab his sword, and place it inside its case quickly.
_"Hmm? Your sister I presume?"
_"Yes..." He seems interested, It is mutual.
_"Enough friendly chat, you er..."
_"Destino."
_"Destino, go home, no need to fight any more." My sister, so naive, normally I would clean up after her later and kill him but... he is interesting, my principles wont allow it. Plus, he has already shed blood, that is all I need to calm my nerve.
_"You can leave..." I push Destino, the other way, not to the ladder we would take. "Lets go R'kad"
_"Ok D'tat." Destino looks confused at our nickames, but it passes quickly enough. This guy is too smart, I don't need to dispose of him yet, but it seems like I will eventually. He walks away, I push the sewer lid off and let Torie go first.
_A single bottle floating down the sewer, it hits the stairway down into the waterflow. bouncing up so its one step from the top. He is good, I pick it up and stuff it into my bag, quickly walking up to Torie. Although this game is very interesting, it looks like I am going to have to take a leave from it for now. I hope to see you again, Destino.

~>)Character Bios(<~

Name: Oushi Shigo
Name info: Oushi means 'deep truth' in japanese, Shigo means 'after death' in japanese. D'tat is his nickname when he needs to hide his name.
Persona: Mainly quiet, has a tendency to 'dispose' of his problems instead of solving them. Is the leader of the twilight dawn, a rebel group insisting on peace. Currently, Twda, as it is called, has no plans, or intentions, but that is soon to change.
Skills: Is very sneaky, a thief at night, an archer at day.


Name: Torie Shigo
Name info: Torie means 'redeemign quality' in japanese, Shigo means 'after death' in japanese. R'kad is her nickname.
Persona: Outgoing, can get much more emotional than Oushi. Will kill, but only the villains, she feels no emotions while killing them, but if an innocent person is harmed, even if not by her, she is affected.
Skills: Good at gathering information and blending in, also a good archer.



Name: Destino Devastazione
Name info: means 'destiny of destruction' in italian, possible nickname is, Dot
Persona: Similar to Oushi, he is good with mind games, and battles. Views Oushi as a rival, and Oushi views him the same.
Skills: Is a master swordsman, and can hide well. Knows a lot about the human mind.

This is different. I've never witnessed fanfiction with pictures.
This should be done often.

Well, it's not terrible. That sounds worse than it means, but it's true. Right now, I'd say the most paramount thing you need to work on is your spelling and grammar. A piece of writing, contradictory though it sounds, is very much about appearance too. It needs to be appealing to the person reading it. Even if it's not perfect, a capital letter here, or a strategically placed semicolon there really makes the whole thing look better. I recommend typing up all of your literary endeavors in a Word Processor like Microsoft Word or anything similar. Spell and Grammar check are two great resources to have on your side. If nothing else, download a newer version of Firefox. It has an integrated spell check that will underline misspelled words in red, good for quick revisions that need to be made.

Now, that said, lets focus more on the story. The first thing I noticed was your characters names. As you pointed out various times, they are of Japanese origin. And there's nothing wrong with that... if there's good reason. It's common for anime enthusiasts and the like to fall into the trap of using Japanese names for every thing they do. Now trust me, I love Japanese culture as much as the next guy. But look at it this way: a young boy who grew up in a medieval British hamlet wouldn't be named Takezo Yamamoto, would he? This is only furthered by the pictures you've supplied for your characters. Again, I empathize. As an avid RP'er, I'm the kind of person who sees a picture, and will (and have, on more than one occasion), base a character solely on that one picture. And that's not a bad thing, a lot of people do it. But do it with discretion and common sense. Neither of those two characters look like they'd have anything to with the Japanese Culture, and as such, there names seem a little bit much, don't you think? Let's also look at your third character. His name is Italian in origin, yet he proficiently uses a Katana? To the reader, this is a bit confusing.

As for the story. It's good. Not great, not terrible. The point of view from which it's told is a bit confusing. There seems to be a blurred line at times, as it seems to slip from third person, into the first person narrative, and then into a real time blow by blow commentary. The most important thing you can do for your story is to establish this from the get-go. If you're not the best of writers, third person is the safest way to go (All things told as if they've already happened, ie: "He walked through the door." as opposed to "He walks through the door."). You should also establish who is going to be telling the story. As I can surmise from what I've read, it's being told by your archer character. That's fine, just make sure you adhere to the preset boundaries of your point of view. You also need to work on your narrative style. The way you write it is done in a style that's more like a dialogue, a story being told in person. That's fine, but again, only if done well. It's not an easy thing to do, but if done well and effectively, and be a great means of conveying emotion and adding depth to the story.

A few other things I'd like to note. In your interlude with the crackers, you mention the round ones and square ones (Ritz and Saltines respectively I assume), yet your characters still use weapons such as a bow and arrow, as opposed to a gun or the like. This is, again, confusing to the reader, furthered only by the fact that there isn't really a background to the story. Also, you say that they are members of a rebel group I believe it was. What are they rebelling against? Clarifying these things and setting a background early on in the story helps in setting a tone for the entire thing.

In short. It needs work, that's a given. But it's not a lost cause. Your first priority right now, however, should be to go back and revise what you have done already. Try not to write it so much as you think it should look phonetically, but how it should look grammatically. If anything I've said has hurt your feelings, then I'm sorry, but it needed to be said. I'm always here, just let me know if you need the help.

Oriana

Yes, I know spell check is helpful, but I use simple internet explorer.  And since word came out with its hard t use crappy new version ive been forced to use wordpad.

I named them with orgins form our world because it would be to confusing to make up a language, and this is based in another world.  Or a country in the past.Also, these are just the pilot chapters, meant to intorduce teh three main characters for the beggining of the story.  My ideas with teh language, is that each language goes to a different country of orgin in the story. I will try and make this clear soon, for now, im going to continue as is.

And about the third person/first person. I have already posted many thrid person stories on other sites. I need to practice first person.
Teh way teh battles move, is just teh way he thinks of them. The pulling of his bow is liek a ritual for him. Either way, im glad that there are people who can give such detailed advice here. it helps!

Anyone still interested in this? I got up to chapter 6 or so, in another forum

If anyoen is interested ill post them here, maybe write mro elater.